Why you shouldn’t be a vegetarian and other thoughts on slaughtering butternut squash

Vegetarianism requires an exorbitant amount of work which might even cause you to ruin a perfectly good shellac manicure. I know this because I was one (a vegetarian, not a shellac manicure) for a day which is long enough. Okay, maybe it was for a meal, but even so, in that short time, I acquired adequate information to disseminate this advice. Plus, I have a blog, so that’s what I am required to do—as per blog law.

The steps to vegetarianism and beyond:

1. You have an exceptionally delicious bowl of black bean soup and a lovely glass of Shiraz at Nordstrom’s Bistro and decide, in that moment, you should become a vegetarian.
2. You go to the grocery store and buy a bunch of vegetables and cans of beans
3. You put the vegetables  in your fridge and let some of them get all oozy and gross
4. You go and buy more vegetables and promise to cook them and follow through on your vegetarian dreams.
5. You buy Shiraz
6. Drink the Shiraz and then buy another bottle to go with the soup.
7. Chop up lots of things that are actually choppable like onions, peppers, carrots and other herbivore types of things. At this point you feel very green and healthy and happy (it helps if you open the wine while cooking)
8. Add your black beans (puree some if you’d like your soup to turn into a stew)
9. Then you decide that oven roasted squash would be a delicious (and maybe even meaty) addition to your soup which is starting to resemble a stew.
10. You start to butcher the squash and quickly realize it is easier to butcher a wild boar.
11. You wish you had the skills of a Samurai and/or a recently sharpened machete (see handy tips section) rather than a cheap ceramic knife. You blame this on your husband. Why? Because you can.
12. You peel off part of your recently acquired shellac manicure which you suppose is better than peel off part of your finger.
13. Seeds and other sorts of orange gore splatter around your kitchen until your apartment resembles a crime scene.
14. Exhausted, you put the squash in the oven until it is a golden brown and spend 2-3 hours scrubbing squash guts off your black splash.
15. You put the golden squash nuggets in the soup turned stew and taste.
16. It is delicious if only it had a little chourico.
17. You find some in your pre-vegetarian freezer cook it up and add it to your stew.
18. Perfecto.
19. Add some avocado and sour cream and other yummy bits that will help cover up the chourico if you are inviting other vegetarians over or simply want to pretend the meat isn’t in there.
20. 

 

Hand tips for butchering a butternut squash:

1. Buy a small squash
2. Set aside 3-4 hours to butcher and clean your kitchen in the aftermath
3.  Only cook the day before you are going to have a manicure
4. Use an ordinary peeler to peel. If you take off part of your finger and add it to the soup, it will no longer be vegetarian.
5. Acquire an exceptionally sharp machete—use it
6. Drink wine

Black Bean Vegetarian Chourico/Chorizo Stew-Soup

3 cans of black beans (1 can puree’d)

1/2 green pepper

1/2 red pepper

3 average onions

4 cloves garlic

2 diced jalapeno

3 stalks of celery

2-3 carrots

2 ears of corn—niblets removed (unless you forget you bought them)

1 small squash. (butchered, cubed tossed in olive oil and baked at 350 until it is golden and soft)

1-2 containers of chicken broth (1 if you want stew, 2 if you want something that resembles soup)

1 28oz can of nice Italian whole tomatoes

2 tsp cumin

2 tsp chilli powder

Handful of chopped coriander

Juice of a lime

salt

pepper

1/2 tsp cayenne or more if you like it hot.

Method

Chop and cook all of the vegetable type things in a pan with a little olive oil. If you are adding meat to your vegetarian dish (recommended) add 1 pound of some sort of crumbled sausage at this point

Open can of tomatoes and squish each tomato with your hands. Add. If it gets on the walls it will only compliment the yellow squash guts. Add remaining juice

Add 2 cans of black beans and puree another with some of the chicken stock and add.

Add more chicken stock to desired consistency.

Add the squash once it’s cooked

Let it simmer for 2 hours.

Garnish with yummy things. Note this in no way resembled Nordstrom’s Black Bean Soup but it is very tasty and practically vegetarian 🙂